Confessions of a Control Freak
I didn’t even know I was a control freak until I met Jesus.
I thought I was a pretty laid-back, easygoing gal.
But then Jesus asked me to do something I thought was bizarre. And I ignored Him, because I didn’t want to, I thought it was weird, and I thought it wouldn’t be “balanced.”
You see, I was worshipping at the altar of balance.
What that amounted to was that if Jesus asked me to do something that jived with my view of what life should be, I’d obey. If not, I’d either outright tell Him no or else shelve it on my burgeoning bookshelf of good intentions–which amounted to the same thing.
But He kept inviting me into a deeper relationship with Him. He kept bringing people into my life who had some kind of supernatural ability to minister to others, create, love, and honor Him.
“I want that,” I kept saying. “I really want that.” But it seemed like an impossible goal, like a 2nd grader wanting to lead a mission to Mars over recess.
So, I sought balance. Maybe I couldn’t be a great follower of God, but at least I’d be a balanced one. I tried making all kinds of goals for myself and being all systematic about meeting them.
But I kept coming up short, forgetting why I’d even set out to do these things. And I kept getting the same thing: a yearning for something more.
Knowing my need for messages to be spelled out in words, God gave those words to my friend to share with me. In a 2-hour conversation that drove my worship of balance up the wall, my friend Juanesa asked me if I was obeying God. She had shared about how God was giving her dramatic plays to write down and perform; the words were pouring out of her. Her belief was that if we obey God, He will continue giving us that gift. But if we don’t use it, He’ll give it to someone else.
Her words started a fresh train of thought in my mind, a train that ran on fuel from many conversations with many people, confusion, dysfunction, purpose–a train that ultimately helped me see that the most basic cry of my heart isn’t for balance–it’s for obedience.
As long as I worshipped balance, I was at the center of my life.
If I was willing to obey God wholeheartedly, balance would no longer be my god: He would.
He prepared my heart for this. For as long as I can remember, I’ve longed for someone in my life who I can turn to for advice on any topic and who gives me the correct answer every time. They don’t shrug off my question as unimportant or stroke their chin and say, “Hmmm… I’ve never thought about that.”
Think about what happens when Jesus is asked about taxes when He’s standing in the temple courts. He doesn’t say, “Oh dear…. I think that may violate separation of church and state.”Oh no: He’s ready with an answer: He’s already thought through this one to the depth where mountains grow from.
That’s what I love about Jesus: He’s always thinking things through deeply. He’s not into flippant answers.
And because He is so fully convince of truth and because He is trained in eloquent wisdom, He, as the people said, “teaches with authority, not as the teachers of the law.”
I need someone I can obey wholeheartedly. I’ve seen gleamings of obeying my parents unto the Lord, but so often the answer they give me when I ask for specific direction is, “Ask God.” What? Whyy can’t you give me the answer? The point is, they are humble enough to know when I need a referral.
They, like Eli, recognize when a voice beside their own is the one crying to their young one’s heart.
Also, we long to say yes. It’s basic to our nature. We love it when we can say yes to a friend, yes to a parent, yes to an employer, when it’s something that both of us want and that we know is good. But we learn early on to distrust this desire, because so many times our desires lead us astray.
But what if there was Someone we could always say yes to? Someone who would never ask us to do something wrong, wicked, or even imprudent?
What if that person is Christ?
But if I had never learned to obey my parents, it would have been much more difficult to learn to obey God. Submit my will to another person’s when I’m overflowing with “good” ideas? Never! I want to be my own person, live as I see fit!
But if I’m 100% honest with myself, I freely admit that I don’t know how to be my own person. And I often nearly drown in my “good” ideas. What I need is a dispatcher who can see the whole city I’m patrolling and deploy me where the need is hottest. I need a creative director who can direct my passion, my training, my tools, and my willingness in the direction it needs to go. I need Someone who stands outside of time to help me use my time.
In short, I need Christ. No, scratch that. I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED Christ!!!!
As long as my focus was balance—as long as I brought gifts to the shrine of “blending in”–I was trying to be the one in control.
Now that I see that if I am willing to obey Christ with my entire heart, my entire soul, my entire strength, He can direct me to where I need to be and what I need to be doing.
Lest I think that I only need to listen for a mystical voice and disregard the flesh-and-blood people in my life, He’s also been showing me how incredibly He uses people to speak into the lives of others. It’s why we need the church. If we are to take on the image of Christ, if we are to become more like Him day by da, we need to open ourselves up to life audits by every other Christian around us. We need to be willing to be seen in 360. The area I feel most solid n is the area where I am often most vulnerable.
At the same time, I need to be investing myself in those around me, pointing them to this ardent lover of our souls.
All of this–listening to Christ’s voice while listening to the Godly counsel of others–is part and parcel of the divine process of sanctification. “Fit s for Heaven,” as the old song says.
The peace that’s come through this change is indescribable. Instead of constantly trying to be “true to myself,” I talk to God. My whole view of reality has changed. Instead of feverishly trying to assess which goals are most important, I turn to Him. I know that my understanding is so limited, so shaped by my experience, and so suggestible. I need Him. Not just in the “big” decisions, but in every decision. (After all, how do I even know what the “big” decisions are? I keep finding that His hierarchy and mine as such worlds apart!)
I listen to all the Godly voices in my life, while trying to find His voice so that He can take priority over everything else.
Yes, Lord–by every means possible–fit us for Heaven Help us to welcome your words of discipline. Help us to obey your words of instruction. Help us to long to be like you, to yearn to be with you.
It’s with you where our lives find our meaning, where our souls find deliverance.
Help us to listen.
And obey.